Today I’ve come to appreciate the meaning of “anniversaries” in a new way. This story will get a bit graphic, but if you can stomach it, it might be worth your while.
I’m at home, having cancelled 5 counselling sessions today because of a nasty flu. When I say nasty, what I’m talking about is a revolting explosion of vile disgust coming from all directions! (That’s as graphic as I will get). My body feels like ten armed men came into the comfort of my home and beat me silly with rubber hoses. …I staggered my way to the computer to write this in an attempt to distract myself from the “nasties”!
So what does this have to do with anniversaries? Two years ago today, on December 4th, my wife Dayle and I returned from a short vacation only to discover our world had been turned up-side down! From that day, a lot has changed. It was the beginning of a heart breaking journey in which one of our children would be put to the test in every way possible: spiritually, legally, financially, relationally, occupational… etc. I knew my role as a father was to support and walk with him regardless of the cost. And it did. Eventually I lost my pastoral role in the church I loved, and we as a family have had to weather awful things that are worse to describe than the flu!
December 4th will always be the shocking beginning of a life-altering passage from something we thought was safe and secure to places that remind us of intense sadness and worry. From a functional point of view, most of the “stuff” is over, and the transitions have occurred. We are doing pretty well on this side of it, and extremely thankful.
However, on an emotional level, it’s different. It seems ironic that on this day I would become very sick in body, because I do feel quite sick in spirit anyway.
When I woke at 5 am this morning due to heart palpitations, I realized it was Dec 4th. That’s when things got a little weird. It’s as if I had a voice in my heart speaking words to me (no, I don’t have disassociate disorder). It said this “Gerry, I want to get it out of you. …I have been waiting for this anniversary day.”
Now, I realize that certain spiritual people do not have much room for God to audibly speak directly to us. I confess I’m one of those on occasion. And there are some spirituals that would openly welcome this idea that God was in fact talking to me. Admittedly, I’m one of those too. (Ok, so I am a bit split). The inherent problem is that I do believe in a sovereign and omnipotent God, aaaaand I know that the human mind is complex with imaginative resources galore. SOooo it’s possible I made those thoughts up due to wishful thinking. After all, I do want “it” – the hurt, pain, anger, discouragement, grief, etc – all to be flushed out. I do want to believe in a brighter future, hopeful church politics, restored friendships and fellowship, etc. On and on the list goes.
So here’s the thing: If God is using this sick day to help rid me of issues trailing from the past, I’m all in. Equally, if it’s simply my wishful desires, I can embrace that too. At least it suggests my heart is alive and in touch with both pain and hope. There are many good reasons to walk close to my brokenness in some form or other, so I am willing to persevere with the memories of hardship and sorrow, strolling along side the restored confidence that hope, faith and love are equally and effectively alive.
What is the “it” in your life you’d like to have flushed out?
From the bed pan…
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